dating woman over 40 There is nothing that's going to impact your life more than your romantic relationship. Whatever your relati...
dating woman over 40
There is nothing that's going to impact your life more than your romantic relationship. Whatever your relationship status, if you are unhappy with the quality specifically of your romantic relationship, it's all encompassing. The right one can bring you peace. The wrong one can affect everything. Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't add value to your life and you don't add value to theirs? Jillian Terki is a relationship coach who has helped thousands of women stop repeating these same painful patterns and build the kind of love they have always wanted. I have her new book here. It begins with you. Nine hard truths about love that will change your life. We have to make sure that our life is sacred to us and important to us and that we don't make a stranger so important. We are talking about what real love looks like today. how to rebuild after heartbreak and why midlife is anything but too late. No one can actually rescue you from yourself. Your problems are still your problems. Your journey is still your journey. And the thing is is that this is one you don't want to miss. So, let's get started. Jillian, I am so excited to have this conversation with you. So, thank you for taking the time. Oh my god, thank you so much for having me. I feel like we have so much to talk about. You have helped so many couples now find healthy relationships and just really understand what's going on. I feel like relationships kind of you they take over our lives in so many ways whether we're talking about relationships at work, we're talking about relationships in love and you've done such an incredible job with your book. It begins with you and I think it resonated for so many reasons because people want to hear the truth and they want to know how to find a real relationship that matters. So thank you for that. Yeah, I I I I really do believe that our relationships define our lives and um you know, for the person who uh is always looking for a relationship or they're heartbroken or they're in a like whatever your relationship status, if you are unhappy with the quality specifically of your romantic relationship, it's all encompassing. And so I really wanted to um share my perspective on it in a way that I don't think has been shared enough before. I I don't think it has either. And you know I opened the book and like I you you start your book and then you cannot stop. And I think that that you know that is a sign of something that you need in your life. So I want to talk a little bit about your story first because I think it's important to to talk about how you got here and and you where this all started for you. Yeah. Um well I mean it all started with yoga. I think I was a yoga teacher for many many years. So I was always um very curious about the mind body connection and really how to fortify one's relationship to themselves. And I also recognize that if we are if we're feeling more um at peace or centered within ourselves, and that doesn't mean we're always like that, but if we can if we can have a more robust center of emotional gravity, an emotional center of gravity that feels more centered and more robust, then then our relationships are better. And then um you know, I wanted something more for my life. I didn't know what that was. I also wanted to get married and I ended up u meeting the man who would become my husband and then my ex-husband. And um I you know I thought because I met him at 37 so I thought that that's a little later in life and I'd had lots of romantic experiences and romant like relationships and I thought you know I'm mature. I know what I want. And it just was um the the marriage was just in many ways a catastrophe. Honestly, it was very very difficult. And um and I didn't know how to navigate it. I was totally lost. And then um things sort of reached a crescendo. I'm I my mom was dying of cancer and I woke up to a miscarriage and that was the day that my husband decided my ex-husband decided to send a text that he wasn't coming home. And so that day which is how I begin the book was like the end of my life in many ways because it was the it was a huge turning point. It was like as if you know the universe or God or whatever you believe in some sort of force. It was like, "Okay, Jillian, like you thought you were going this direction, but no, no, no, no. You actually have to go in the opposite direction." And that began my journey into figuring out what makes a relationship work and how to actually um how to find meaning in life. And uh and here we are today. Well, I love the fact that you talk about the nine hard truths that you need because I I think they I think they are. I think sometimes we think um you know, we were we were brought up one way of what love looks like and when we really go back and look at that and assess it, it's very very different. I had I had the husband that turned into the, you know, ex-husband and I had at the time the same thing. I was it was a little later in life, so I thought I'm on this timeline like I better figure out where I'm going. It's probably time to get married. And I wound up in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and and couldn't believe I had got there because I thought, "Wow, I'm I understand career. I understand how to do all these other things in my life. How how did that become such a failure?" And I went through a thing where I was like, "I'll never get married again." Fast forward 10 years, I am. And so, I I want to dive into that because I want women to feel like there's some real hope there. And I know that that that's what you talk about, but it does start with you as a person and not only what you're looking for, but understanding what all of it means. So, you know, I work a lot with women in midlife talking about menopause and eventually these conversations always turn to relationships. No matter what, they always eventually go to relationships. Whether someone's in one long term and they're assessing it again and looking it over or they're looking back into dating. So many women over the age of 40 are single. Why do you think that is? Oh man, I don't This is a This is a big conversation. There's lots of different reasons. One is that women we live in a time where women are making more money than ever and are more independent than ever. So a lot of them are choosing to be single or choosing not to get married. Let's say they're in a relationship, but they're choosing not to get married because they don't see the point in getting married. Whereas in the past, especially in the in a through a heteronormative lens, it would be you get married because you want um you need financial support. Mhm. from your husband and you need other things, but you really you want to build a family. You want to you want to be at home and you know your husband would be sort of the one sort of monetarily supporting the family. And so things have changed a lot for women. Um, I think now, uh, you know, be at least for the women I work with, uh, most women, they want to be with with someone who's financially stable, but what they're looking for more is someone who's emotionally supportive, right? So, women don't need that. It also depends where we're looking. If we're looking at cities or we're looking more like, you know, suburban areas, it's definitely different in cities. I I think that also women, this is along the same vein, is that women's focus, Here's the thing, all the women I work with, they want love, they want a relationship, but they're also focusing on other things like their career. And so they're which which is a great thing in my view. And so they're focusing on that and they're not and then they're not spending their 20s and early 30s looking for a relationship and then they hit 40 and they're like, "Oh, you know, where to go?" And then and then the third thing is when a woman gets divorced or when she goes through a a very traumatic breakup, women uh statistically speaking take much longer time than men to get over the suffering and the pain and so they stay single longer than men do after breakups. I I I so agree with you on that because I think that they're trying to assess a lot of things, right? like the herd and then figuring out the role that they played in it versus, you know, just moving on and saying, you know, next and we'll we'll see who else is out there. I know that it's a challenge getting back out there, especially in midlife if you were it could be for a number of reasons, whether you were always single, right, or you were in a relationship for a long time and now you're plop back into this this dating arena that looks very different than maybe it did when you were in your 20s or 30s. And so I want to talk a little bit about that because I feel like dating can be a real challenge and I know a lot of women are like I don't know where to start. I don't all the good ones are gone. I don't even know where to begin looking right now or how to go about dating. The first thing that I want to address is you ha people really have to be mindful of their belief system. If you believe and keep saying all the good ones are taken. If you believe that all the, you know, all all everyone out there is a narcissist or I'm too old or anything like that, you are not going to meet anyone. This is just how things work. I have worked with many women in midlife, some in their mid50s, and they're having the time of their life. I mean, it's like raining men on them. And some of them who date women is reigning women. Why? Well, are they any more attractive or impressive than the than maybe the younger ones? No. But they just have a different they they they believe in themselves and they don't believe in all the the stress and the pressure that everyone is talking about when it comes to dating. Look, it has never been easy to find the person or to meet the person who you are going to fall in love with and spend the rest of your life with. You have to be so patient and it is almost always going to take longer than what you are comfortable with. And you can't just go out on 10 dates and then say, you know, screw this with dating. But what you can do is stop giving second dates to people who you don't like and start giving second dates to people who you may not be initially that attracted to but you like them. And so that's really important because I see all the time and I see this with women in particular. It's like, oh yeah, you know, they they want to keep seeing the person even though the person is showing all these signs of being not that not having strong character, but there's there's a there's physical attraction there. And so, you need to be much more mindful of that. I'm so glad you said that because I think that's such an important thing to drive well all of it's such an important thing to drive home but especially the mindset part because I know you talk a lot about mindset and I know that I hear those I don't know they're just phrases over and over again like I'm too old all the good ones and those those set in like your ears hear what your mouth is saying and I do think I I I love the fact that you're working with people that are in their 50s and beyond that are having the time of their lives because I do think it needs to they are and it's it's really encouraging and I want younger for women to feel encouraged by that and not think that it all, you know, it all it all ends once you hit midlife. Part of it is not our fault, right? Never have we. I mean, what is going on with women right now and plastic surgery is out of control. What's going on with women right now and injections, I mean, there are women in their 20s and early 30s getting Botox and lip flips and this beautiful, stunning women who are so young. And so it's not really our fault that we because we're so inundated with this standard. So it's like how could you not think oh at 40 I'm old when when this is what's going on and you have to and the thing is it's going on mostly in this country because if you go to other countries in Europe many European men don't even register a menopausal woman in the sense that he doesn't care. Yeah. He doesn't care. He thinks a woman in her 60s is beautiful. like age is not the hangup on age is really in the United States. And so I so I wanted I wanted to add that because I wanted to acknowledge that it's not just that it's all in your head, but some of it is. Yeah. And you really have to fight against that and really own where you are and not get into that learned helplessness about your age. Yeah. I I'm glad you said that because you're right about that. It it really it is in your head and um and it's in society and we've se and and we've been kind of trained that way. You know, I I spent 30 plus years in television and I remember them telling me, "Listen, right, it was a woman that said right around 40, you know, you better think of another career because you're going to age out." And that was a very, she wasn't being mean, she was she thought she was offering me a actually genuine advice. And so, we we have been uh brought up with that. And hopefully we're turning a page a bit as we're living longer, as we're seeing more women in midlife uh in the in the media and and seeing the mountain, kicking ass and kicking ass in a huge way. I see women I forget about second chapters. There's third, fourth, fifth. I mean, I think that, you know, and you're right about Europe when you we walk around Europe and you see these women that are older and they're they're gorgeous and they own it from within, too, which is which is the big part of all of it. second dates. Not giving somebody a second date. I want to go back to that because I think it I think people need to hear this again. Not giving people a second date that you know eventually probably somewhere in your gut is not going to be the person but somehow you're working toward you know I think when people make you work for it somehow you think that like that challenge is something that you should be doing. you know, the person that's a little bit cooler to you that sort of blows you off a little bit, might be interested, might not be versus the, I don't know, the good guy or the good girl that you, you know, you like the person, but you're not sure if there's a chemistry there. Can we can we dive a little bit further into that because I think that's a real it's a big waste of time and we see a lot of people do it. And then and then possibly don't don't uh follow through with somebody who could be really great for them. Yeah. I mean, I see it all the time. So, um, it's it's you go on a date and maybe it's not, you know, sometimes it's hard to know in the first date. Maybe it's a week of dating one person and you get this sense of, um, this person isn't really not that into me or they don't seem, you know, they don't seem excited about me. Um, they're not really pursuing me or they're not really receptive to me. Um, or I just noticed some like red flags. I got I got a little icky feeling when I was around them or I noticed something that was just like a bit off. But, you know, you throw in physical attraction and you throw in a dose of loneliness and a dose of but wait, I'm 40, no one else is going to want me or whatever it is. You throw that into the mix and what you get is desperation. and what happens and what hap and and and I know that that's a very taboo word, but I I want to normalize it because we have to be able to recognize that in ourselves. It's like that that that overpowering thirst to be loved and to be in a relationship can be so consuming that we will justify seeing someone who is not that great and not that great to us. And so you have to cut those people off fast and you can't force chemistry with someone. But I will say that that it's possible for it to grow. And so I always say give it about five dates and not five dates of just going out for dinner. Include some dates where you do something fun together. Include some dates with some friends, you know, include some dates maybe even a family member. So you start to see who the person is. Mhm. How they interact with their world because sex appeal can really like it can it can light up. It can just turn on like a like a switch when we're seeing someone within a certain context versus just us talking together like this, you know, over a drink, right? Yeah. I I so agree with that and I think that uh it's interesting to to look at what happens in a relationship. You know, when I I met my husband and you it took me a while to like kind of even decide I was going to the the husband I'm with now. Um I it took me a while to, you know, to figure out if I even wanted to be in a relationship. But I watched him in all these different scenarios over and over and over again and realized like, wow, this is this is who I want to be with and has has encouraged and and really helped me grow my life in a different way. Didn't rescue me, but help, you know, walk alongside me. And I don't know if 10 years ago I would have given him a chance. I can I can I can probably guarantee that. I would have been like, "No, no, no, no. I want the bad boy." And I and I do think that there there is something to that. We waste a lot of time getting into those relationships of of chasing somebody that might not be good for us. Um, yes. If you had to say there is a number one big mistake that we are making right now when it comes to dating in 2025 because it's changed obviously uh from years past. What what would that be right now? Um the constant texting with a stranger. M so like that you meet someone but you let's say you meet them on a dating app but you don't actually go on a date with them you're texting back and forth or you maybe or maybe you went on a couple of dates and then you're spending all day texting back and forth with this person um instead of getting on the phone or instead of meeting or instead of just actually living your life and when you have your next date you have your next date. That's a really and that you know that's the rise of technology and whatnot but that's a that's a huge waste and it gives it gives us a false sense of intimacy. You think you're creating some connection with person because you're constantly texting when really what's happening and I understand it can be fun but what's really happening is that you are you are like beholden to these these dopamine hits throughout the day like when they're going to text and you're texting back and all of this and it's just it's just a bit childish and I think that um what's so important is that when you enter the dating world you have to you have to know what none of us are fully whole we're not completely whole beings fully healed beings things. But we do have to have we have to have a life and we have to make sure that our life is sacred to us and important to us and that we don't make a stranger so important, you know, and and and that's I think what people do too often and it's a big mistake. Well, I think what we do is we make them the answer to everything. Once I with this person, they're going to fix how I feel about myself, how I feel about work, how I feel about my parents. Not a conscious thought, but yes. Not a conscious thought, but yes. How do you get out of that? Because that is there's a lot there to unpack in terms of realizing that person is not going to to rescue you. And unfortunately, you find it out when you're maybe too far into it or you know, you've given too much of yourself away. Yeah. Well, hence why part of the reason why I wrote the book because there's a whole chapter devoted to this. Um, there is no one who um I would So, let me backtrack. The the the quote unquote right person for you. Um, you support each other. You are your biggest each other's biggest cheerleaders. Um, you have each other's backs. There's real friendship there. Mhm. Um, you know, love can be incredibly healing, but no one can actually rescue you from yourself. Your problems are still your problems. Your journey is still your journey. And the thing is is that when we have this thought, an unconscious belief that when with the right person, all our problems are going to go away. What that does is create neediness because neediness is when we rely on our partner to make us happy as opposed to expecting our relationship to add to our happiness. Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't add value to your life and you don't add value to theirs? But no one is responsible for your happiness or your security. um uh they can only add to that which you have already cultivated yourself. Somebody is listening right now and says I want love or at least I want to meet somebody. Where do they begin with that? Because I think that jump you know look we know there are dating apps. We know you can meet somebody in person. We know there's there's all different ways now to go about that. What do you think is the smartest thing to do to get back out there? I mean, I I always feel like nothing should be off limits, but you really should set some parameters around each one of those things, right? Yes. So, I think you want to you want to be you want to strategically hit it from all places. So, I would I would try dating apps and be and learn how to make create a good profile and and make sure that you have some boundaries around it so you're not doom scrolling all day and swiping all day, you know? I mean the thing about technology is that technology hasn't ruined us. Technology has revealed our weaknesses. And our greatest weakness as a human as human beings is that we're very we are um we are easily addicted. We just are, you know, and so and we're always looking for a way to to escape our suffering. So we have you have to have some boundaries around that. I would also um take yourself out for dinner alone, sit at the bar somewhere and make friends with people. This isn't about meeting the person who you're going to date. This is about meeting people who might even who might know the person you're going to date. So, um for the people who are not knowing where to start, you're not going to find them sitting on your couch. um your favorite character on Netflix isn't going to come through the television and start dating you. You have to actually get that out there. You could also um do something that sort of meets all of your needs. So you could, I don't know, contribute to a nonprofit or, you know, could join some sort of community where you where you f where you're meeting like-minded people and it's interesting and it's interesting work for you and also you're opening up your world. So in other words, if you really want a relationship, you have two choices, just really three. One is do nothing and just live your life and just let and just see what happens if you're not feeling, you know, rushed or you got to treat it like anything else that you've really wanted in your life. Because when we really want something, we figure out a way and we try lots of different things and we don't get discouraged when things don't happen quickly. So, you have to treat it like that. And you can always do a combination of the two. Truth number seven you have. You cannot convince someone to love you. And when I when I read that there I was like oh because it's it's so true. It just kind of like it's a gut punch and it's so difficult because that is what we think. We think that we're supposed to work at it. We we you know we use those words. You have to work at it. Can we talk about the people that might be in a relationship like that where they feel like they're constantly having to work for it or they're out there dating and they think they have to do the same thing like, you know, pick me, pick me and uh pay attention to me and what what do I need to do to make you happy? Because that is a truth that even though we might know it, it's not so easy to live out. So, I'll just give some examples. So for people who are dating, like maybe you've had this experience where you're dating someone and you can feel like you don't you feel like it's the feelings are are not balanced that you're more into them than they're into you. So you're figuring out ways in which you can be more um accepted by them or chosen by them. You know, a lot of women, which is the biggest mistake, women tend to um because we've been so conditioned, oh, if I just give more, then he or she is going to be more interested in me. And it's like, no, no, no, actually, they're going to be turned off, which is so interesting, you know, because you're giving more when you're not being given to. So, a lot of women will just give more or try to or try to be cool or try to be um different, you know, they'll just try to figure out like how can I get this person to like me? So, that is one way that we do it. And then in relationships, it's like, you know, there's there's a difference between fighting for your relationship and fighting to be enough for the person who you are in a relationship with. Yeah. And um you know for anyone who's in the position where they feel like they're just fighting to be enough, fighting to be loved, the way to stop that is to start speaking up about your boundaries and start speaking up about what it is that you need and risk the loss of the relationship because there is no other way. You have to actually stand. You you got to you got to you got to change the dynamic where you're not doing that anymore and instead you have to stand up for yourself and um face the consequences of it ending which is going to be much easier on you than to continue this um hamster wheel of trying to be enough for the person who keeps distancing themselves from you. It is probably one of the worst feelings. It really is when you have that it it is not you're not enough and you're constantly you're I mean you've talked about but your your central nervous system is always on alert of yes what what can I do you know I had my relationship with the Mr. big in my life I call it where it was, you know, 10 to 15 years of if I only help him with this, if I only do this, if I only and it's a it's hard because it it detracts from everything. But saying that you have to stand up for yourself, you do have to risk losing that relationship. There's there's actually no option or you will be on that heightened alert for the rest of your life. Yes. And probably at the end anyway. And and and Exactly. Exactly. So my father I want to go into two things. I want to talk about the one, not really being the one. And talking about my uh advice from my 85-year-old father, who gave me this advice when I was much younger, but I didn't know what to do with it, and it sounded silly at the time. He said to me, "It's better to be alone than lonely with someone." And I never understood what lonely with someone meant. Can we talk a little bit about that? Because being single has such a a stigma. I don't I don't know, you know, which makes me very sad because some of my best years were being single, but we had such an adversity to it. Yes. What um how do we get rid of that? Well, look, we got to scream it from the mountain tops. There's literally nothing worse than than than a than a bad relationship. Mhm. There's nothing that's going our romantic a romantic relationship and the romantic relationship that we're in. There is nothing in your life that's going to have more influence over your overall well-being than your romantic relationship. Nothing. And so we could have a great career. We could have the money we want. We could have our physical health. But like physical health, if we don't have our physical health or a romantic relationship is struggling, we're going to wake up very, very stressed. Everything is going to be off in our lives. And so the power that a relationship has is profound. And we that's why we have to we have to be the co-creators of a relationship. We have to make it great. But a bad relationship and what I I put bad in quotation marks. A bad relationship is you know you one or both fe people feel totally unseen, unheard. You're not nice to each other. There's just tons of fighting. Um of course on the far end of the spectrum there's abuse, but it doesn't even have to be abusive for um it to be bad. But nothing will will decrease the quality of your life as that as much as that. So, it really is better to be single and loving your life and not having to worry about someone else and not having to do any of that than to be in a relationship where you feel totally alone and not good enough. It's the worst. It's the worst. And if I could lift that pressure off of every person out there from feeling that the only goal is a is a relationship in the end, like we all we all want to be loved, but to uh to to be so fearful of being single and maybe that's changing a little bit. I'm not sure. Yeah. I I think it's I I think it's for sure. I mean, there's a lot more now. It's interesting. the pendulum has swung. But so there is a percentage of people, especially women, because I think men have always been have had an easier time being single, even though men actually um studies suggest that men live longer when they're in relationships. So even though like we we began this conversation, there are women who are actually living their best lives single. Mhm. What's happening a lot between men and women who are saying that they'd rather be single is they uh they they have such a negative story and belief around love and relationships that their choice to be single is is not empowering. It's the lesser of two evils. And so that's what I'm seeing a lot of. And that's that was the main motivation for writing the book, which is that you're just like you're you're still a slave to your ex. Your ex still your ex relationship still controls you if you're staying single because you think a relationship is nothing but pain. And so that is where you have to reinvestigate the story. Is that where you realized that you needed to have this book out there because you were seeing one after another uh people single or couples in in bad relationships? What what made you It was It was everything. It was my own experience. It was people not knowing how not having the tools and not being taught the tools. It's also people blaming everyone else or blaming themselves too much. It's all of the above. Let's talk about the one because I do feel like we've we're always looking for the one and we think there's just one out there. I know that my dad was with my mother for 25 years and she passed and then he met my stepmother and she seemed like the you know I think he had two the ones and so I I after that I realized that I didn't know if the one was a thing and um you have you have thoughts about it and and I want to hear them because I do think that we're always running around the world like saying I'm going to find the one one day. I know they're out there somewhere and I don't necessarily know that the one is one person. Yeah. Well, that's the influence of romanticism on our culture, which is that we're going to meet this person who is our one and true only soulmate, and they're going to be able to read our minds, and they're going to love us the way that our mom or dad never loved us. And again, these are not conscious thoughts, but you better believe this is in your psyche, because you have to really be aware of this. The chances of you meeting someone who you fall in love with again is dependent on your belief system. So you would have to have the belief that that there's still love out there. Mhm. You would have to have the belief that even though you'll never, especially if you're widowed or widower, like you have to have the belief that even though you can never replace that person, you could find someone who adds different texture to your life. You know, you never know. You have to believe in love. You have to believe in yourself. Yeah. I think that's very important. And so so the point is is that there isn't just one person and timing is relevant. You said if you had met your now husband 10 years ago, you never would have given him a chance, right? So so much of it is not about this one who is this this entity out there who's going to come into your life. So much of you matching with the right person is about something that's going on internally inside of yourself. I love hearing you say that because and I hope that people uh really hear it and believe it and understand it because it really does have everything. I think it would I think it would get rid of a lot of the hopelessness that I often see because I know that I know dating can be very very discouraging but it can also be really exciting if you're looking at it a a certain way um during this time. Yeah. So you you start off with your uh the second truth that your mind is a battlefield and I think we don't always give ourselves enough credit to understand you know to think about you know what's going on in our mind all the time and think we can control it all the time and you also talk a lot about movement. Can we talk about how you get out of your own head because I think that we you know technology's done this we we live a lot in our own head. We do just by the way the world is set up right now. How how do you help people do that that come to you get out of their head? Yeah. Well, first I well, not first, but there's a there's a few different ways in which I tackled this. If you're in your head and you're in you're likely in your head about and you're and you're replaying a certain narrative or story, let's say it's about your exartner or something that someone said to you, mindfulness is when we can say, "Oh, I'm telling myself a story right now. I'm caught up in a whole narrative, a neurotic narrative that that is taking control of me. It's in control of me. So that alone is humongous for someone to just be able to be like, woo, I'm in a story right now. So then it's like, so what do you do to kind of like shake it out? Like cuz like dogs and animals will kind of register their own sense of that and then they do that that shake to kind of shake it out to reset the nervous system. We don't do that. So what we could do is we could take a cold shower. We can go for a walk. We could go move your moving your body is the fastest way. It's the it's the proven way. It's the fastest way. It's extremely effective. But also if you are feeling very very stressed out um in addition to exercise and some sort of moving of your body and maybe even breath work you you we want to co-regulate. So we co-regulate with a friend with a family member with a pet. We can co-regulate with by um working with if we work with people then working with our clients like this is how we kind of get out of our heads. And then if for people who are really going through a hard time in addition to everything that I just said um find a way to give back is the most important thing because when we're in our heads we are in a state of self- consumption. We are just thinking about ourselves. And the fastest way to stop thinking about ourselves is to help something or someone else in need. And it doesn't have to be this grandiose thing. It could literally just be like helping someone with their groceries or calling a friend that's going through a hard time. Or it could be more of donating your time. This is what gives our lives meaning. This is what gets us out of our heads and into our hearts. We are wired for connection. We are wired for connecting with other people. And um that's the way I know a lot of times when people connect, they think it's love when it's actually lust. And those are those are those are two very different types of connections. Can we break those down? Because I think when you're out there dating or or you're actually in a relationship and you're not feeling that lust part anymore, you know, you're not aware that the love might still be there. So, I'd like to break down those two words and and just examples of of what they mean. Sure. So, let's say like in in dating scenarios or early relationship scenarios. So, lust is the feeling. It's the feeling basically our our biology is being flooded with different neurotransmitters and hormones that makes us feel alive, elated, excited and um you know excited emotionally and also excited physically. This is like when we have crushes when we can't stop thinking about someone where we can go into states of limrance where we get really obsessive about someone. We think we put the person up on a pedestal. We think we think this is the this is the one because we feel um temporarily rescued from the monotony of our lives. Lust is very very fun. It's like you know we we're on this earth for not that long. To never experience lust is it would be such a shame. Mhm. And and it can also get us into serious trouble cuz then that's when we think we again we put the person we put a person who we barely know on a pedestal. We are not we are un our our judgment gets clouded. This is this is not my concept but I've heard these words before of like you you can't see the red flags through rosecolored glasses. you they just they the red flags, you know, are no longer red. And so these are the things that can happen. And um and it can be incredibly lust is fun until you wake up one morning and you realize you're not in control of your life anymore. You're an anxious mess. Love is very different than that. Lust takes. Love gives. Lust is all about what can you give me? How can you how can you make me feel? Um I want more of you. It's desire. It's primal. But love is is about giving and love is about supporting and love is about um patience. Now in a long-term relationship, the lust is going to fade. Sure. But you I the happiest couples I know still have passion. It's not the same thing as when they first met and they wanted to bang. Sorry. They wanted to have sex several times a day. You can say bang. Yeah. I was like, you know, like I just like I'm sorry. I'm, you know, you can't can't get the New Yorker out of me. I'm very happy. I'm very happy. Yeah. So, you know, I mean, it's not going to be that. But when you love someone, you feel safe with someone, you can explore your sexuality and your sex life with someone much more deeply. A lot of people when they're in lust, they're all not I can't I I can't say everyone, but a large percentage of them are performing and trying to be good enough, right? So, so if passion is if you want to work on the attraction and the chem and the physical chemistry in your relationship, you have to do more novel things together, more fun things together that are a little bit risky that make you feel alive so you get that charge between the two of you. Yeah. And that's always going to be something that you're going to have to work on. But the alternative is just to have a series of three to six month relationships throughout your life which is going to leave you feeling completely empty and unfulfilled guaranteed. Yeah. And and and miserable because you're always looking for that next high over and over. No. And Yeah. Over and over again. Yeah. Um I I want to talk about relationship. We talked a lot about dating. I do want to talk about relationships. I can't imagine the weight list to work with you with relationships. How so? But we're going to we're going to get some we're going to get the advice here. Um, yeah. So many women that are going into pmenopause and menopause that we talked to on this show are in relationships, are feeling a lack of confidence, are feeling invisibility, are feeling like uh, you know, so their bodies have changed, their their mind has changed, their relationship is not what it was before, whether it's because they, you know, their hormones have shifted and they're not feeling sexual anymore. Can we talk about those relationships because we are seeing an uptick in in a lot of divorces during that time and that that's not surprising and then the question is is you know what what is it what's causing it is that you know you've you've changed your mindset you you're in a different place in your life or is it you know where you are right now as a woman so I want to talk to women that are in this are in this area and they're in a long relationship and it just doesn't have any it's it's not doesn't feel good anymore it doesn't feel great anymore exciting anymore. So, I want to speak to something that I've seen um over and over and over again and experienced myself in midlife with women, you know, 40 to 55, let's say, or 57, you know, women who have who are in the pmenopause and menopausal journey. Um burnout, yeah, is the number one thing that I see most commonly throughout um women who are in relationships. Let's let's just speak to the ones who are in relationships um who are not giving to themselves and they have spent years giving to everyone else. And I don't know about you, but to me, my experience is that the best way to replenish yourself and your vitality, which includes your hormonal health, is to fill your cup, is to get rest, is to give to yourself, is to connect to yourself in that way. And so the first piece of advice I would give based on my experience working with these women is how can we come up with a plan where you are giving to yourself where you are making time for yourself, time for your hobbies, time for rest, time for the connection that you might need outside of your relationship like with your friends or with community. I don't know about you, but that has been the common thread where I've met a woman going through that transition and feeling sort of lifeless in her marriage. And I really mean nine out of 10 times there is she's not giving enough to herself a thousand%. I mean, I think burned out from every which way. Uh and will say and probably says to you, I don't have time to do that, right? I I I don't even know where to find the time to give to myself right now because I'm doing it for everybody. And I you know I think probably the answer is you don't have time not to at this point because I yes so much is wrapped up in in this time in life and you've got another third to half of your life that you don't want to be not only unhappy but unhealthy. Yes. Exactly. And what will happen is that your symptoms will get a lot better. Yeah, they will they will really decline. I mean, that's been the experience. It's like you there's no we can't have hormonal balance in a chronic state of stress. It's just impossible. And so I go I So that's the that's where I come in is helping women deal with their relationship with themselves. So instead of seeing it as like oh this is like doomsday it's like no okay but if you started to give like what's missing in your life what is actually missing in your life that's that's that you're feeling incomplete and let's let's figure out a way to put money into those different buckets like I'm talking about emotional money right time money and and it's and it's the the results have been amazing then she just feels better she feels more energy ized. If she feels more energized, she feels better in her body. She's exercising more. She's eating better. She's feeling more vibrant. She's not She's having days where she forgets that she's permenopausal or menopausal. She feels more like herself and then she wants to have more sex and everyone's happier. Yeah, it really is. I I think a lot of people will go and say, "Okay, I'm going to go to couples counseling." And the truth is, you know, to go back to to go back to your words, it begins with you. And I think that during that time you are the last person you know people are not thinking about themselves at at all during that except trying to get trying to get through trying to just Yeah. And then for the and just trying to get through and because I know women who are I have women in my life who are well past much older women are well past menopause. And when I speak to them about when they went through menopause they're like I had no symptoms. And I've spoken to a lot of women like that and they're like and they're like I don't understand what all this stuff is on social media. Like what's going on? And it's because their lives were actually much simpler. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't, you know, again, I haven't done any studies. I'm not an expert on this at all, but I just think it's interesting that there was a lifestyle component to it. Now, that is not to um shame anyone cuz I've got a really busy lifestyle, too. But I do we have to recognize that it is a a delicate time where we need to be giving to ourselves. And also, women in general, regardless, you could be having like the best periods of your life and on point and nowhere near pmenopause, if you're not giving to yourself, you're going to get depleted. That's just sort of part of our systems. Yeah. We forget that it's not a luxury to do that, that it's a necessity in so in so many for so many reasons, health and happiness and otherwise. If there's one piece of advice as we wrap up that you would share with a woman in midlife who is struggling with either dating or just being in a relationship long term, what would that piece of advice be? If she's dating and in a relationship long term and she's struggling, she has to figure out what the pattern is. You know, are you with the wrong person or are you struggling to communicate? um is there something going on in your life that's causing a lot of stress that you're then bringing to the relationship but you don't even realize it. So, you have to do a little digging. For people who are dating, you have to be really really careful not to um not to tell yourself the story about age or anything like that. And I would actually something that's very helpful is find someone whether it's I don't care if it's a celebrity or a fictional character or something that you read who is around your age who is living the life that we never know but is living a life that you really like or you see that they're in a marriage like you have to because we have mirror neurons in our eyes. You have to be able to see it that like there are women women in midlife all over the place like h like in amazing dating in amazing relationships having great sex you know doing all sorts of things. So we have to work so hard to fight that conditioning and you just you can't can't let that take over. Yes we do in so many different ways. So I will be on the rooftop shouting with you uh if you if you would like. It's such a pleasure Jillian. It really really is. Where can people find you? Yeah. Well, um, so Jillian Trekki. So I'm on all over social media, Instagram, my website. I have a membership for women called The Conscious Woman. And then, of course, my book and my podcast, Jillian on Love. Jillian, thank you for the time. See, I really I really appreciate it. I look forward to to getting to know you offline, too. Yes. Yeah, I appreciate that as well. I had a great time. Me, too. Thank you. Oh, Jillian, we love you. Thank you so much for sharing so much of your wisdom with us and I hope this interview has given you the confidence to love yourself first and to believe that a healthier, more expansive love really is possible. If this conversation resonated with you, please share the episode with a friend. And you can always email me your questions and comments at podcast at tamsonfidel.com and subscribe to my YouTube channel for more relatable conversations each week. Thank you so much for being here and I'll see you next week on the Tamson [Music] Show. The Tamson Show is an original production by Authentic Wave. Executive producers Scott Weinberger, Kevin Bennett, and Rebecca Greersonen. Brand director Johanna Offnik. Our line producer is Sabrina Surere. Editing by Zach Smith and Marquee Harris. [Music] ...
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