dating today why is it that dating today can feel nearly impossible for so many people much has been said on the topic of how hard da...
dating today
why is it that dating today can feel nearly impossible for so many people much has been said on the topic of how hard dating is today I am probably in the camp of people that accepts that there are some very challenging things about it but I choose not to live in this idea that it is impossible instead I look at why it is that for so many people it's so difficult and what we can do to have a very different experience of it ourselves if you're new to to this channel I Matthew hussy the author of the brand new New York Times bestselling book love life and for the last 17 years of my life I have been helping people find the love they want while increasing their confidence and their love for themselves along the way don't forget to like this video subscribe to the channel and hit the notification Bell so that you get notified the next time a video comes out today is an important topic because I believe so many of us have been going about dating all wrong and one of the things I think is going on culturally for so many people right now is that there's this kind of Race To The Bottom in terms of effort it feels like there's so much competition it feels like everyone's at this Buffet online and we all want to come across like we're cool and in control we're not going to make ourselves vulnerable too quickly cuz God forbid I give more than you do or I show you that I like you more than you like like me for a lot of people there's that fear of if I'm too available if I don't look like I've got a really busy life with things going on all the time and I'm never really available and you're going to have to chase me that you're not going to be interested and so it has us all playing this game of who can be the most aloof and that the grand prize of Love is going to be given to the number one most aloof right and that's the worst way to make ourselves valuable is to be aloof on some level we know that we're all looking for something that feels rare right we're looking for someone who's a wonderful person to be with a wonderful partner attractive intelligent and we believe that to get someone's attention someone who is like that someone who is rare we ourselves have to be rare but the way that we're going about being rare is actually hurting us there are two very very different and very distinct camps when it comes to trying to come across as rare there are people who try to come across as rare by being aloof and distant and unavailable and there are people who show that they are rare by being awesome and the two different schools couldn't have more different results in terms of what happens if you are rare by being a aloof and by not trying very hard and by never showing much and always waiting for that person to make the move or for that person to show that they're into you before you show you're into them for them to try before you try by doing that we essentially become invisible in so many ways we become like everybody else who is playing the same cheap game because it's such an easy game to play anyone can send onew message anyone can take 6 hours or 2 days to text someone back if that's how we're trying to create a sense of significance around ourselves then we are putting ourselves in an extremely large pool of people who are doing the exact same thing but the people who are being rare by being awesome and I would Define awesome as the ability to truly Express Yourself express your personality show a sense of humor playful be fun be flirtatious be curious about someone the people who show that they are rare in that way are actually creating value for somebody else now I actually believe that there is a drawback of this the danger of bringing that really awesome energy to someone is that it can be mistaken for availability it can be mistaken for us already being completely sold on that person so they no longer feel they have to try if they're that kind of person that takes for granted someone who's really great or someone who simply feels entitled to that greatness and that attention because they've started getting it in other words the kind of generosity of spirit that we go into dating with giving people the benefit of the doubt can be mistaken for a kind of weakness but that person will be corrected when they learn that our awesomeness our greatness whatever you want to call it is like the sunshine and it's a sunshine that we control and that we can point in a different direction any time we choose and the time we choose to is when we realize that we are being taken for granted when we no longer feel that someone is really interested or invested when we feel their inconsistency or when we no longer feel good around them or in their absence when that's the case they will learn that what they perceived as this availability that they could take for granted this wonderful energy in their life that they were simply entitled to is actually like a light switch that can get turned off now you go from being this person with an incredible energy to a very powerful individual because I now realize oh my God I thought that was just free I thought that was just because they liked me so much it's actually because they're an a awesome person and I'm at risk of losing this awesome person now I don't want to have this idea simply live in the abstract I want us to talk about how valuable this is when the rubber actually meets the road in our love lives in interacting with people and I want to start just by inviting you into a particular concept that I have found really powerful in my own life and that is the principle of reciprocity it is the idea that if we give first we are much more likely to receive that same thing from somebody else and most of us I believe the reason that we're finding dating so hard is because we're actually doing the complete opposite we are doing it backwards we are going into dating expecting someone to evoke our playfulness by making us comfortable expecting someone to evoke our vulnerability by making us feel entirely safe before we ever speak something that could be used against us or that we could be made fun of for or that could get us rejected and as a result we're not creating the kind of energy that would necessarily make that person feel like they can give those things and this is a very kind of follower mindset when it comes to dating we think we're keep keeping ourselves safe we think that by waiting constantly for somebody else to give us something before we give it to them we think that we're putting ourselves in a good position but what we're actually doing is just following we've turned ourselves into kind of a a sheep in dating waiting for someone else to come along and lead with the kind of energy that we want to have and I think what's missing from dating today is leadership and I'm not just talking about in men cuz it's a cliche that you know men need to step up and lead and I'm talking about personal leadership for men and women the ability to go into a room and focus on creating an impact what a lot of people do is they're watching the other person to see what they do so that they can then base their thing their move their energy on what the other person is doing but you can't have an impact when you're constantly watching the other person an impact is stepping into a room and not saying how's everyone else being but how do I want to be and then by being that you invite that energy you're actually in a place where you affect the energy of the room you affect the energy of the date you affect the energy of the text exchange instead of constantly living in a state of being affected by the energy in the room that's following and think about this with people in your life we need go no further than our friends or the people we know in life is there someone in your life that you are more affectionate with my guess is one of the major reasons that you're more affectionate with that person is that they're affectionate with you in a way that brings out your most affectionate side are there people in your life that you feel funnier around my guess is that that's because that person brings a sense of humor a level of laughter to you that makes you feel like you want to bring out your funny side it makes you tell more jokes it makes you get more play more silly more goofy I do a retreat program every year and part of the culture of my organization is that we're Huggers We Don't Hug people who don't want to be hugged but for the people that are receptive we'll hug people on the way in and there are some people that you can tell on the way in are a little they're standoffish they've not been used to that affection in their lives in general they've not given that affection for a long time or maybe ever you would think that these people stay the same over the the course of that week but actually what happens is many of them by the time they leave on the sixth day are racing up to my members of staff and hugging them and going I wasn't hugging people at the beginning of this program and I didn't even think I was a hugger and it turns out I am and they're hugging people why is that because someone came along with an energy that brought that out of them I don't want us to think about this as changing people it's about creating an energy having a level of leadership that actually brings more of who people really are to the table with you and remember this is always in the context of you having a standard that says I'm going to bring a certain energy a certain way about me to people and if they can't meet me there then I'm going to keep moving I'm not going to keep giving energy to people who don't reciprocate but what I'm not going to do is go into my love life as a follower as a sheep who is waiting for someone to come along and Trigger that in me there are people that are actually capable of being many of the things that we'll be attracted to that we simply write off when we're in follower mode there are people who will say I was texting this person but they were really boring I didn't know what to do cuz I just felt like it was really boring they just asked me the same questions all the time it was always just how are you what are you up to and I was like oh my God like put in some more effort or say something more interesting but in these situations if we observe ourselves if we get really self-aware we'll often find that we're not creating an energy with them that makes it more likely they'll bring that to the table I said in a recent video there was a line that Shakespeare wrote of his character false staff false staff was not just a wit but a cause of wit in others and the reason I love that line is because that to me is leadership is you aren't just something you create more of that thing in another person so for example let's say you're texting someone and they keep texting you boring things like how are you how's your day what are you up to and you're like oh God this just doesn't feel like there's any tension here this doesn't feel like we're really flirting it doesn't feel like anything's really getting off the ground maybe instead of just writing that person off actually say let me see what happens if I bring more of this Dynamic to this person so now when that person says to you how are you instead of answering literally which is what many people do you do this and this is my advice to people all the time if someone says how are you or what you up to don't answer literally ask yourself what's the most interesting thing that's happened to me this week what's something I've been thinking about today or in the last 3 days that is an interesting thought in other words what are the highlights of my brain this week or of what I'm doing this week and when someone says how are you I don't have to take that so literally I have to come back with something that's true but something that is a highlight of my week let me give you an example of how you might respond to a how are you or what you up to message with someone that you worry is just boring you or not putting in a lot of effort but you want to see if you could send a bolt of electricity through it and what that would do so you might say I'm in a coffee shop working right now or at least I'm I'm trying to I keep getting distracted by pointless things but then you say right after that you texting me however is a welcome distraction and all of a sudden what you have done is just send a little bolt of electricity through the exchange now what they choose to do with it well that's up to them now it's time for them to step up if they can't do anything with that or they don't play on that or flirt back then you go okay maybe this person's just not for me maybe they can't handle that level of fun or playfulness and therefore they're not going to be right for me but what you'll find in a lot of cases is people who previously weren't doing it for another reason maybe they're shy maybe they're just a bit awkward as many of us are in dating we worry about what we can and can't say we worry about things being misconstrued maybe someone suddenly feels permission be more of themselves in that way and by Leading you actually bring that out of them that's the thing that we have to start being prepared to do it's leaving a date and a few hours later saying still smiling after that date we had or it might be the day after the date that you had with someone where you send someone a message and you say had so much fun with you last night still smiling now that's warm there's a little vulnerability to it it's affectionate it's kind of exciting fighting what does someone do with that message that will tell you what you need to know that moment is either the red light or the green light they give me nothing back they kind of took for granted my message they gave me a lame response they gave me an entitled response okay but by giving that energy what we're really doing with someone is saying hey in case you were in any doubt I find you attractive I had a great time how many dates is this true of two people go on a date they both like each other they're both kind of feeling their way around what's appropriate or feeling a bit awkward about it but they actually kind of like each other but at the end of the day neither of them really know whether the other one finds them attractive or not right there was no kiss at the end of the date it seemed like a great date but two people are left wondering does this person see me as a friend did they just have a nice time with me is this a romantic thing a day later you get that message oh they're attracted to me okay and now you bring a different energy yourself so these little moments of communication of not focusing on being rare by being aloof but focused on being rare by being awesome can change the game on what somebody else brings to the table by the way that message I just gave you for the day after the date I literally asked that question of Matthew AI for everyone who's already been using it you'll know what I'm talking about and that was a Matthew AI generated message from things I've said before that I had forgotten when I heard Matthew AI say that message I was like oh my God I did give that message once and I really like that message so I'm giving it to you today it's technically my message but it's a message that I had long since forgotten about and then when Matthew AI said it to me I was like that's gold if you haven't already by the way tried Matthew AI I urge you to go and try it if you have a question on your mind right now about what something means what you should say what you should do you can go to ask mh.com and ask Matthew AI your question right now it is blowing people's minds you can literally text Matthew AI your question you can upload your messages and ask Matthew AI what things mean or what you should say next you can literally call Matthew Ai and speak your question out loud as if you were on a phone call with me and you will hear my my voice give you my answer anyway back to the video I'm sorry I am just very excited about this right now though by the way here's another thing I was thinking of the other day cuz me and Audrey went to see the new alien film and I thought what text would be a fun text to receive if Audrey and I were dating and she had been to see this movie without me and I wrote this text down let's see Audrey's actually here right now so we'll see what she thinks of this I just went to see the new alien film I could have used your big shoulders to hide in LOL oh that's good you like it yeah you're not just saying that really like it that's really good I think it's really good too so this is something everyone can do but again how many people out there are going oh I I would never say that or someone would have to make me feel really comfortable to say that then you're following again remember truly being vulnerable B in the negative sense in the sense that I am exposed and I could get hurt only occurs if you keep giving energy to someone who is not giving you that energy back being more of ourselves up front more playful more goofy a little bit more sexy a little bit more of a wink a little bit more flirtation a little more complimentary or sweet or warm that's not a dangerous level of vulnerability it's just a little bit of bravery and by the way if you make other people feel Brave around you you will benefit because you'll actually get more of other people than they express to everyone else so you'll actually increase the pool of people that you're attracted to you will be the maker of a bigger pool of Attractive people for yourself but more than that you will become attractive to more people because it's really enjoyable to be around someone who makes you feel like a better version of yourself if I I'm funnier around you if I'm sexier around you if I'm more fct tatious around you then there's every chance that I will want to be around you more so leave me a comment let me know what you thought of this video I'm excited to read them dating does not have to be impossible but we do have to get out of follower mode and we have to start leading don't forget before you leave to go to ask mh.com and give Matthew AI a try literally think of a question that you want to ask right now if I was sat next to you you've just finished this video you're like well I want to know the answer to this now go and ask that question to Matthew AI right now and get ready to be blown away because everyone I've shown this to is blown away so ask mh.com is the link go try it out now and thank you for watching be well and love life and I'll see you soon [Music] ...
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