wanted female for live in relationship I got my first boyfriend at the age of 22 I've never had the comfort of someone's arms...
wanted female for live in relationship
I got my first boyfriend at the age of 22 I've never had the comfort of someone's arms around me as someone who's never been in a long-term serious relationship I feel like I am constantly in a state where I never feel good enough when you're the only person out of everyone you know who's never had a relationship you start to ask yourself a lot of questions is there something wrong with me am I doing something wrong will I be single forever if you're still single there must be something wrong with you when did it become normal to romantically talk to seven people at the same time the more you think about it the more reasons come up it's because I'm too independent I'm too focused on school I'm too focused on work my standards are too high there's an endless list that you create for yourself when everyone around you seems to have a relationship or relationship seem to come easy to them your endless list of reasons why you're single just gets longer and longer what if the problem isn't actually you what if it's something much more mind you instead hey if you're new I'm Christina and I make videos of people who are feeling lonely if you're a people pleaser overachiever overthinker over anything then you're in the right place you are an 18 19 20 23 25 maybe even 30y old who's never had a relationship this will probably consume a lot of your mental capacity like when you're surrounded by other people your age who who's on their like second boyfriend their third girlfriend they're moving in with their partner they're talking about starting a family you can't help but think H is there something I'm doing wrong you can't help but question certain things is there something I'm doing wrong am I is there something that I'm missing will I be single forever because you ask yourself all these questions you start to come up with answers and in your head you start to think oh it's it's because I'm too independent it's because I'm focused too much on school it's because I'm focused too much on my work it's because I'm too ambitious I'm too intimidating I'm too to this to that fill in the blank because you're coming up with all these sort of excuses as to why you've not found your person why you're single why something that comes so easily to everyone else is quite hard for you this list in your head you don't realize at first but it slowly starts to make you feel a little bit insecure like oh I'm going to be behind when I eventually do get in a relationship there's going to be so many things that I don't know I'm going to have no experience I literally saw a Tik Tok the other day I think it was like a a clip from a YouTube video where they were asking how long was your longest relationship what's our longest relationship never been a relationship oh okay s so now we know worse kisser worse than bed these are the things we worry about when you're when you're that guy who's never had a relationship and you think oh no but you know I I research I read up on dating and relationships and communication like you you watch Tik toks and dating advice like you it's not like you're completely int on how to manage a relationship or how to communicate but this sort of thing makes you panic in the back of your mind cuz is that what people really think I think a lot of people who are slightly older and have never been in in a relationship I feel like we have a fear of love or a fear of like closeness maybe even fear of intimacy you could say have you ever been in love I've never been in love before I've actually never been in a relationship I think that as soon as someone starts liking me I mentally can't accept it so I kind of just run away I just get like a very strong physical ick if someone um expresses like that they're into me I like them until that they until they like me yeah do you think there's like a bit of fear around closeness with someone I think so I think maybe I just get freaked out with the concept of attachment to someone I grew up in Norway with my mom and my dad lived in France they actually were never married but they like we're never together so I don't know maybe I've had like a weird perspective on on the idea of family she gets the ick when someone when someone likes her she likes them up until they like her back I I want to hyperfixate on the words that she's used like ick and like freaked out because what she's describing I think a lot of other people will also experience but they won't use the word ick I can relate to some of what she's describing I don't get the ick if someone likes me but I I panic like it's it's literally like honestly a like a fight ORF flight situation where I'm like genuinely scared what I found interesting was in the comments a lot of people were talking about an avoidant attachment style there is an amazing book which does a deep dive on all the attachment Styles I'd highly recommend it actually especially if you're someone who's never had a relationship or someone who has like unhealthy maybe toxic relationships it's called attached I'll link it down below this book like it's one of the books you'll read and like you get a whole new perspective on yourself like you learn about you you're reading the book and you're like oh my God this guyy is describing me that was what happened when I opened the book and read the avoidant attachment chapters when you're an avoidant attached person they are the stereotypical hyper independent focused on their jobs focused on work climbing the corporate ladder I don't need friends I don't need relationships I don't want to be distracted I just want to focus on on like my work I have a feeling if you're slightly older not been in relationships I I my guess is that you'd probably lean more avoidant because as time goes on in your life and you've kind of you're a bit more grown up now you've graduated you've got a job you're focusing on yourself maybe you've got your own place you you're like working on yourself and you're you're preoccupied with all the amazing things you've got going in your life that you probably see relationships and especially dating cuz dating and going on first date and then relationships are quite different like I'd actually consider myself quite a good dater because I've been on so many like i' I've been speed dating so many times with like I've done it on my own and then I've done it with friends because it's always it's always funny with friends but then like an actual relationships where it's it's longterm I'm just with one person I have to get really close and open up and be honest which normally makes me panic like that I have no experience with and I have a feeling for me it's because of my avoidant attachment style and because clo just closeness is a bit scary like it it doesn't it doesn't feel safe in my mind maybe maybe that's why I always Panic it it just feels like something I should like worry about and like this this isn't safe something else you probably do if you're someone who's never been in relationship you probably hyperfixate on your flaws when you ask yourself certain questions why am I still single why is no one ask me out why does no one ever look at me like how they look at her why does no one ever compliment me why do I never get comments on my Instagram pictures that say like oh stunning or beautiful gorgeous why is it only ever the people that I don't like that approach me why is it the people that I'm not interested in that ask me out when you ask yourself these questions you start to create a list I I'm going to call it like the endless list it's like an endless list of reasons excuses as to what's wrong with you I have never had a boyfriend I've never had I've never experienced love and I've never done anything romantic at all and I feel behind most of the people I know have had some experience and I've had nothing I feel I don't even know what to do if I was in a relationship I feel like this was me for a really long time like I feel so experienced I've not done anything romantic I don't know I wouldn't know what to do it's weird because you you have this endless list of reasons why you've not had a relationship and the list gets longer and longer and you kind of flesh out this list you really believe the list and what I've noticed is if you ask yourself certain questions your brain will just come up with answers for example if I said oh yeah think about like right now have a think about why global warming is at an all-time high you can probably tell me like not enough recycling too much landfill not enough electric cars there's still so many like petrol cars gas cars diesel you'd be able to come up with like a million answers then if I told you oh yeah sit on that question for the next few months for the next few years you'd probably come up with more and more answers as why climate change is so bad you'd come up with new you'd probably start to research it you'd ask yourself questions you'd probably start to look on Tik Tok as well cuz you're going to like ruminate on it just like how you can think and ruminate on climate change and why climate change is so bad you probably unconsciously chosen to ruminate on why you're still single and that's why you have such like insecurity about it or so many questions because that's your question of choice to ruminate on and what I like to say is like if you ask a bad question you're going to get bad answers but if you ask a good question you'd get good answers I feel like a more empowering question or a more like confidence boosting question to ask yourself is like why am I such a good person why would I be a great person to go out with why would I be a good partner why would I be why would someone be lucky to be with me it sounds cringe like even as I'm sing I'm like that sounds like proper weird like I hope no one downstairs can hear me but like if you sit and ruminate on all the negative parts of you or all the parts of you that are too much because you're you're too hardworking too independent too intimidating if you ruminate on that too much you're going to believe in it's going to become valid in your mind it's going to be so valid that you're like oh yeah this is the reason why I'm single like you're going to lead with that versus if you lead with like a more empowering question why am I a great person why would someone be lucky to be with me and you ruminate on that you're going to then lead with a more positive aspect another common thing that I've noticed that we maybe all have those of us that have never had a long-term relationship is that sometimes we think being single is better than settling for example give this video a thumbs up if you've ever thought like oh there's no one around me that I know that's like quite On My Level like no one's quite good enough no one no one meets my standard I'm too intimidating for everyone like I just don't think anyone would like handle me I do believe being single is better than settling however I think that we have like really disproportionate fear of settling I think settling settling to different people means different things to me I've learned after reading an incredible book called how to not die alone by Logan Yuri in her book she really taught me that settling isn't like going out with a person like way way way below your level of standard and they're unemployed they're they're they're in terrible Health they don't look after themselves they've got terrible hygiene settling from what she described in the book and like what I now see settling as is like you find someone who is really amazing like they actually really inspire you they're a lovely person they're so funny there's a few areas where you're not 100% compatible and your instinct might be like oh well you know it's not going to work because they have different beliefs around private education versus public education maybe they have different political beliefs when there's like a minor incompatibility I now see that as like this could be an area where you can actually communicate and work on things rather than just completely abandon this person abandon this relationship but I've noticed for sure we're hyper selective now and I feel like now I feel like the list of things that qualifies as a red flag is just getting lower and lower like a red flag used to be you show up to the date late you're rude to the waitress you speak about women on the day in a drogy way it used to be like it almost used to be like red flags reflect your values and things that are like non-negotiable but now I feel like red flags are almost becoming a bit gimmicky and like anything can be a red flag wearing the wrong outfit could be a red flag having like dirty trainers could be a red flag i' I've realized you have to kind of differentiate kind of a red flag and a non-negotiable from just like a floor that someone has cuz we all have floors but we never sit and think about what are the flaws I'd happily accept my partner has and what are some of the red flags I just will not put up with and this is how I now see settling like I know my partner will have flaw because I have flaw but I now have to think okay these are the flaw happy to settle for like I'm happy to settle for Maybe dirty trainers because who doesn't have dirty trainers in the UK it is literally raining outside or a flaw I'm completely happy to accept is not having a work life balance because I don't have a work life balance completely okay with my partner having flaws and they could be the flaws that I have they could be different flaws I just accept and I'm happy to settle for Flaws any red flag is a future argument is how I see it like a red flag for me something that could be a future argument is like someone expecting me to like be more chilled and to work less like that we'd have an argument over that cuz that's just like my value my one of my values is just like to fulfill my purpose like I find I find purpose and joy in working a lot I I really do I have a healthier balance with it now but if someone told me like you need to rest more you're always too busy you're working too much have your weekend off like we we we would have beef videos online will tell you to like script and manifest your perfect partner and write a list of all the things that you want them to have but I think equally just so your expectations are realistic it's helpful to write a list of all the flaws that you're okay with them having that being said I don't want you guys especially if I know some of you guys are slightly younger do not put relationships on a pedestal relationships are not a prize and the reason why is because not all relationships are created equal like you might look at some relationships and be like oh wow their relationship's perfect I see comments like that on Tik toks like Wow Girls I wish this was me I wish a boy would treat me this way a relationship is not a prize please bear in mind any relationship that you go into you are bringing yourself with it like your life your tone of voice your thinking they all come into the relationship with you you cannot leave yourself behind if there's a certain part of you that feels like you're always self-sabotaging and you ruin things before they can get good you always shut down things that are going well bear in mind if you had your goals relationship goals boyfriend goals girlfriend you are bringing yourself yourself with it like sometimes the dream relationship is not the prize at all because if you hand if it got handed to you right now you actually wouldn't have the secure attachment the open communication the healthy boundaries the ability to handle flaws and understand the difference between flaws and red flags you wouldn't be able to handle it and it wouldn't it wouldn't work out the real prize in my view is not the relationship the real prize is the person that you become in the process of trying to get a relationship everyone has a desire for relationship I know it's a bit embarrassing to admit that like oh I want a relationship I want a boyfriend as a human it's literally in our DNA like even if you don't want to admit it and you don't want to be like embarrassing and be like oh I do want a boyfriend like we all at our call do want loveing companion around us whether that's partner family friends but I really don't see a boyfriend as the prize like I see me becoming a better version of myself that can communicate honestly she is the prize like that is the prize because she is the person that can handle the relationship well she's the person that's not going to sabotage and self-sabotage and ruin it before it even gets anywhere and on this note not all relationships are created equal honestly speaking to some people that I've known from like way way back to high school a lot of the things I hear are people complaining and like complaining about things they're unhappy with their relationship they're not happy with the treatment they're getting they wish they could leave but they stay because they're too scared to leave please don't think that everyone else is having a better time than you just because they're in a relationship because that could not be further from the truth are people so uncomfortable being single that they would rather be in a terrible relationship than be on their own if you're happy with your own company you have something that so many people don't have which is liking yourself like you like your own time so many people don't have that and to fill that void they have a terrible not flaws but they settle for red flags so they're having constant argument there are so many hardworking ambitious driven people that I feel like they don't realize they self-sabotage all of their hard work before they can even get started and I made a video all about like my experience with this and tips and stuff I'm going to link it here ...
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