older men dating oh hey would you like to play a game i promise you i won't cheat you out of any money are you ready it's ca...
older men dating
oh hey would you like to play a game i promise you i won't cheat you out of any money are you ready it's called how old is the girl slash super young woman depending on where you draw the line between girlhood and womanhood boyfriend alright alright settle down everyone i know society loves to find new men to hate on first up we have miss billy eilish who is 19 years old and here we have her boyfriend matthew tyler vorse place your bets the correct answer is 29 next up in 2013 model and actress tony garn was 21 when she dated leonardo dicaprio how old do we think leo was he was 39 and miss tayte recently released all too well where she was 20 during her relationship with jake gyllenhaal he was howled at the time that's right 29. i feel like every now and then a super young female celebrity either in their late teens or early 20s is reported to be in a romantic relationship with a man that is significantly older than them and we all scrunch up our noses in disgust but then eventually move on we don't really spend enough time pondering over what the attraction and appeal is and how these age gap relationships are consistently forming and no it's not always daddy issues i know freud made it so convenient to explain everything with a broad theory but it doesn't work that way in fact i think the prevalence of daddy issues being used as an explanatory tool has contributed to its desirability perhaps desirability is not the right word but its over usage has certainly led to the seriousness of the term to be diluted daddy issues is an informal term for a quite serious problem that people who have a lack or absence of a father figure in their life often grapple with it leaves long lasting emotional impacts people end up with trust issues often pursue romantic interests that are distant and emotionally unavailable as a reflection of what they experienced in childhood and also romantically pursuing those who are much older as an attempt to gain validation from someone who is of similar age to the father figure thus this term daddy issues i think is problematic from the outset because it's describing a real problem but in humorous terms the word daddy tends to make people cringe or laugh or feel as though there is an air of exaggeration for comedic purposes as psychotherapist amy rollo says this is a way to quote minimize females attachment needs i think it explains why though daddy issues is actually meant to signify real emotional and attachment problems it is now flung around all the time to describe situations that are not even actually a consequence of having daddy issues and has almost become something to brag about claiming that you have daddy issues almost makes you cool or at the very least funny like i'm such a crackhead omg i have daddy issues law i just want to be spanked and choked in bed and those of you without daddy issues are boring vanilla prudes who don't have to deal with emotional baggage says 12 year olds on twitter that's a caricature obviously but i think you know what i mean young girls already start to fantasize about being with older men i'm not an exception to this 11 year old me really wanted to date sam clavin after i saw him as finnick in catching fire but could you blame me because i feel like there is already a lot of content exploring why older men pursue younger women or girls i want to focus a bit more on why young girls and women also share this desire besides resorting to the catch-all term daddy issues for clarity i'm focusing on large age differences so perhaps seven years or more and on heterosexual relationships where the female is barely legal aka late teens or very early twenties so of course what i say in this video will not be totally relevant to say a 27 year old dating a 35 year old or a 45 year old dating a 60 year old and so forth i recognize this is a touchy subject because many want to assert that the younger female in a large age gap relationship is a complete victim of social conditioning gender roles and perhaps past experiences i agree that i am not going to be shaming young girls or young women that find themselves dating significantly older men however i do not think it is fair to absolve girls and young women completely of their role in the relationship not just for personal responsibility reasons but mostly because i think it is patronizing to view them as having been at the complete mercy of manipulative uncontrollable powers i want them to know that they do have a choice and the will to make different decisions if they so choose they are not automatically rendered undeveloped or too immature to do so is undoubtedly important to recognize the power dynamics at play the way girls are conditioned into desiring a submissive pampered role that treasures male validation but once this has been acknowledged as i think it has been hashtag everyone and their mother talks about the male gaze it's important that we actually recognize our freedom to change things simone de beauvoir talks about sometimes it is easier and more comfortable for women to accept their object role but it is in defining yourself that lies the uncomfortable challenge imagine this really attractive guy who is sweet smart hard-working and rich if your friend tells you that this guy is older than you most women will view this as either a neutral or perhaps even a positive fact now this is kind of contingent on whether the man is attractive or not if a man is unattractive they may call him a creep but i've noticed that if the man is attractive age doesn't really seem to be a problem anymore and he is no longer a creep this is basically the halo effect where someone who is attractive is just automatically presumed to be a good or morally good person on the other hand if your friend tells you that this guy is younger than you usually it's said as a but he's younger even if it's only two or three years youth is negative for a man in a relationship the way age is negative for a woman romantic relationships in which women are the older partner face a lot more stigma and judgment than relationships of equal age or older men younger women pairings it stems from deeply ingrained beliefs about how men should be the provider protector and women should be the taken care of a treasure that is won for if an older man can win a younger woman he feels an ego boost and still being able to pull youthful babes apart from social pressure and expectations that push us towards an older man younger woman pairing what are the benefits that are so commonly associated with being with older men after watching youtube videos from women who have dated much older men as well as reading some literature there seems to be a general pattern of prose that are claimed to come with it older guys have more experience with life in general making them more sure of who they are and what they want with their life this also refers to romantic and s3x experience being competent with romantic relationships obviously takes practice the same applies to the s word [Music] older guys are not needy because they've matured enough to have multiple sources of happiness and don't solely depend on you they're not overly reactive and are able to keep their cool they're not scared of proving their masculinity anymore and so they're more in touch with their feelings they know how to take care of women and make them feel important and needed [Music] this is kind of similar to the first point but because of all the experience they've racked up they are no longer lost in life they are not chasing dreams they have already achieved what they wanted to achieve now they are in a place to enjoy life means they can spend more time on you you don't have to worry about your future plans conflicting as a result of being put together they are financially stable enough to buy you nicer things or experiences they can take you to a fancy restaurant whereas 19 year olds can only drive you to chipotle in their mom's car this is an especially nice feeling for those who felt neglected by their parents and in particular father when they were younger girls want to be spoiled pampered by these men you want him to treat you like a baby pay constant attention to you it's not just about the benefits you directly incur but also about how those benefits position you relative to others your age in a 2004 study conducted in kenya female participants explained that though some young women have legitimate financial needs and seek assistance from older partners most want to impress their peers and enjoy luxuries such as trendy clothing hairstyles jewelry cosmetics and toiletries or outings to expensive restaurants that they cannot otherwise afford or that their parents refuse to or cannot provide all of this can lead some young women who score older partners to brag to their friends about all the gifts and experiences they get as a result it can make other women feel excluded from social circles and hence also pursue older partners to fit in young women or girls who see older men may actually help their friends find older partners as well perhaps this is why significant age gaps occur so frequently amongst celebrities because they share social circles now that we've gone through the supposed pros what are some of the downsides of being romantically involved with a much older man i think the most obvious one that people take issue with is the power imbalance the irony here is that the same prose of more experience maturity financial stability these are what create the big difference in power the gifts and nice trips are enjoyable but it gives the older partner greater bargaining power younger women or girls who benefit from the man's more stable position in life end up feeling like they are obligated to return the favor this usually materializes in physically intimate actions because they don't usually have the financial means to pay back a fancy dinner in return although this may not be a big issue in the developed western world i think an example about protection usage in kenya is still worth considering men often employ their dominant position in relationships by refusing to use protection sometimes accusing younger partners of not trusting them a man may threaten to break off the relationship if his partner insists on using a protection rather than lose the financial and social rewards they depend on in such relationships most women acquiesce and forego use this unbalanced dynamic also often creates a fear of abandonment in the young woman or girl as with all relationships they grow emotionally and sometimes financially dependent on their older partner but they worry that because the man is so much older and so much more mature the man can suddenly decide to dump the woman or girl if they ever feel that she is no longer mature enough or desirable stigmatization is another negative pressure that young women or girls face when pursuing someone who is much older i don't think this one needs much explanation because we've all seen it hi editing olivia here so i forgot to mention this while i was filming but there's actually this thing called the romeo and julia effect which is when a couple that experiences intense judgment or disapproval from society just basically lots of stigmatization that backlash and judgment can actually cause the couple to want to stay together even more and be even closer to each other the way romeo and juliet fell in love despite both of their families heavily disapproving of them i think this raises the important question then of how we address these large age gap differences when there is a super young woman and girl with a much older man because while i think it is definitely justified to express yourself in very judgmental or disapproving tones perhaps hating on the couple or hating on one of the partners is not the best way to go since that can be counterproductive and cause the woman to want to protect the man defend the man and want to make a point by staying in the relationship even more alright let's switch sides and talk about what makes pursuing significantly younger women appealing for men since they are the more experienced partner in the relationship young women will often admire them or look to them for guidance providing a sense of pride in the same study i mentioned earlier most participants felt that men's status among their peers is elevated when they are seen with a younger attractive woman one man aged 38 said if you're seen with a young girl your friends say this guy you know he has such a good babe it's for identification it's for status the study done by these four researchers here also found that men perceive cross-generational relationships as conquests so by winning younger partners especially in s3 x acts older men feel reassured that they are still desirable and can still enjoy the same things they could when they were younger there was another paper that looked at cross-generational relationships on social media and found that specifically men in the baby boomer generation had a specially strong desire to share experiences with younger generations the past seems to simply represent sadness and decay and their online network is instead a tool which projects them towards the present and the future it seems that men really hate the idea of growing up which is understandable but come on women aren't conquests [Music] the financial instability slash immaturity of younger women or girls makes them less expensive to maintain than partners their age and because they tend to make fewer financial demands than women would some of the male participants in the study noted that young women are satisfied with simple gifts such as dinner in a restaurant or a new lipstick whereas older women may expect dinner for rent or other expensive items this part i feel icky talking about but youthfulness is attractive to men and it's associated with beauty younger women are widely thought of as being able to satisfy a man's s3x desires better than older women male participants in the 2004 study also described younger women and girls as having firm breasts and tender bodies that are nice to touch in a sense the older man can experience youthful beauty again through the young woman or girl there's this misogynistic and also objectively wrong myth that once a woman turns 30 her body just starts to wrinkle and she starts to lose her sexuality when that's just not true i feel like i just had to add that in now the downsides for men appear to be much shorter they also face potential stigmatization for dating someone much younger and sometimes the younger woman takes a bigger toll on his wallet than he expected causing him some financial problems based on these pros and cons let's apply this to roose bolt's 1980 investment model which frames romantic commitment as a function of three factors satisfaction level quality of alternatives and investment size through this perhaps we can determine why younger women or girls stay with older men satisfaction level is a person's subjective evaluation of relationship outcomes or the degree to which one feels positively or negatively about his or her relational experiences quality of alternatives refers to the attractiveness of one's perceived alternatives to the current relationship or the degree to which one feels that his or her needs could be easily met outside the current involvement investments refer to both concrete and intangible resources attached to a given relationship that would be lost or diminished in value or the relationship to end thus investment includes intrinsic elements such as personal disclosures and experienced emotion as well as extrinsic elements including joint friendships and material possessions the way the math works if i can call it that is if satisfaction and investments are high while quality of alternatives is low individuals are expected to remain committed to their romantic relationship now by using this model i think the problem is that when a young woman or girl is seeing a much older man the degree that these factors are set at are largely out of the woman's control as we've seen a large part of the appeal for chasing after an older man is that he can be a better provider protector and mentor which is then perhaps fallaciously equated to a better lover but if the reason for preferring them over other guys is the ability to provide protect and guide through life then they have huge control over your investments and your feeling of quality alternatives investments are high because the young girl or woman thinks that older men are monetarily more successful more mature more stable in their life so they feel like they have a lot to lose if they leave both in terms of the extrinsic elements such as material gifts and perhaps connections to friend groups of different ages and also in terms of intrinsic elements such as feeling pampered also means other alternatives i.e guys our age or younger are perceived to be poor quality in comparison young women and girls feel like they can't get that cool calm and collected guy elsewhere it's key that i emphasize i'm talking about perception even if the much older man in the relationship doesn't actually live up to the idealized version of one the fact that young women and girls are fed the stereotype all men getting more mature more thoughtful more whatever as they age convinces a lot of them that other younger men will be lacking in comparison now why is it a bad thing that investments are so high and quality of alternatives is so low i thought that's what one wants for staying in a relationship to which i say yes that's exactly it young women and girls are heavily enticed to stay in these large age gap relationships and they have a lot to fear losing this is dangerous however because of the power imbalance remember i'm talking about girls and young women who are just finishing up their teenage years or just entering adulthood the older men in these relationships are able to manipulate the women's investments because he plays such a big provider role and he plays the experienced almost mentor these young women and girls can't appeal to greater experience or knowledge they rarely have financial leverage over the man this leaves the young women and girls with very little means to defend themselves during arguments and disagreements he can say things like don't use protection this is how mature relationships are and if you don't agree with me then you don't trust me he can lecture you for being late like a child he was just like didn't we talk about your lateness and i was like talk about my lateness talk about my lateness like he made it sound like we had had this conversation where it was like don't be late like also it's like you're not my dad like that's weird he has greater power in shaping the narratives of your relationship and discussion as portrayed in taylor swift's all too well dylan o'brien is able to deflect the problem off of him change it to be about sadie he turns it into a problem of her selfishness and when she says sorry you can tell by the tone that it's not genuine he says i'm sorry for dropping your hand when really it wasn't about the hand it's about him ignoring her treating her in a patronizing way patting her hand as though she was a child of course not all young women who date much older men will experience this but the possibility for the older partner to dominate the argument and basically shape what it's about is there this contributes to a greater dependency on the older partner and further convinces the woman that there is no good alternative i can't judge satisfaction because that is subjective to every individual but i'm going to assume that there is a feeling of satisfaction amongst large age gap couples because otherwise they wouldn't have gotten together or at least stayed for a while despite that though i think satisfaction depends on the other two factors and if those two factors are too far out of the woman's control then it's not clear how much that satisfaction truly belongs to her i am sure that these issues of power imbalances also exist in many equal age or small age gap heterosexual relationships as well but i think they are amplified by that large age gap because he is that much older there is disproportionate trust placed in his judgment and less power to push back against it [Music] this inherently greater value placed on older men feeds into rigid damaging gender norms the same way younger women are sought after because of their age or lack thereof in this case being with an older guy makes women feel validated the thought is that they picked us even though we are younger it means women believe there is some value conferring power that older men have in that sense it is acknowledging their domination and wanting it women and girls need to escape this desire of having value bestowed upon us by someone else usually men and put more effort into creating value for ourselves we should learn to accept and appreciate the less polished less experienced nature of younger men the way women argue that men should accept and appreciate the natural maturity of women and women's bodies as they age it is about combating gender roles on both sides and not shaming or exploiting the natural processes of how people develop perhaps a good lover is not the same as a good provider and protector part of the purpose of a romantic relationship may be to figure things out and sort your life out together we need to reform the value systems that dictate romantic relationships so that young women and girls do not feel as though so much of their worth comes from validation from older men who are deemed to be more mature and experienced likewise older men should not have to feel as though their worth comes from how desirable they are to young women and girls who are considered more beautiful than older women i'm not sure if anything i said in this video was of substance i feel like it was all over the place but that's what i get for making a video when i have several assignments due and exam season is coming up leave some comments below on what you think about this topic i'd love to hear more you can like and subscribe if you want thank you so much for watching let's keep talking and i hope to hear from you soon bye you ...
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