dating big woman and i ended up getting of all the dating apps this is when i lived in san francisco now i got up all the ass i stopp...
dating big woman
and i ended up getting of all the dating apps this is when i lived in san francisco now i got up all the ass i stopped going out and i stopped partying but i didn't want to die alone so i started looking for other ways to meet women without actually leaving my house sounds kind of creepy and uh like i just hang out the window like hey hey girl hey why don't you swipe right so this is googling and there's a service called it's just lunch i don't know anyone's ever heard of this i think it's just out of business at the moment but a few years ago it was round and uh and what they do is they'll set you up on blind dates you get 12 a year but you're not allowed to see your date you just have to tell your preferences and then your love agent will set you up for the date now i'm ashamed to tell you how much i paid for this service but i did the calculations like if you pay for tinder premium and you go out for drinks and gas and food and a lot of stuff it comes out to you know a few thousand bucks a year dating and this service costs a few thousand bucks a year it costs 16 1600 and i put 800 down right and people like good looking guy like you i know good looking intelligent humble just like me and i still struggle with this stuff right so i put the 800 down i go to see my love agent and uh i tell her exactly what i'm looking for i was like you know i want a woman who's a little bit shorter and smaller than me because women like guys who are taller and bigger than them so they feel nice and safe and she's like perfect we have a very fit girl we'll send her your way it's going to be amazing and then what happens is you go to a restaurant and the restaurant's in on it so you tell the restaurant you're there for it's just lunch and then they'd seat you with your guests right it's just awkward as hell and i walk into this restaurant called ilfranal in palo alto california and i'm like i'm here hi or it's just lunch they're like your dates here already we'll send her over and i kind of like lean in you know like is she she cute and they said she's here and we'll send her right over so i go to the bar and i'm just texting you know my friends i was like that's my life how did i get to this point what am i doing it was terrible i'm looking at all these other gorgeous people on dates i'm like what the [ __ ] [ __ ] these people i hate them and then i hear and then i hear her come over i hear a feel a presence next to me and i turn and look and she was about twice the size of me [Music] she's a big girl it's okay because i rehearsed on what to say in the situation and i said hi how's it going she says hello her name is stacy we sit down i order the chicken she orders a chicken whole chicken and she eats the whole thing she doesn't take a breath [Music] [Laughter] that's what i knew i liked her i go on days with so many skinny girls they'll get a kale salad two croutons three bites they're like i'm full of big leaves but this [ __ ] did not give a [ __ ] she was eating eating like it was her job and she was hilarious she's brazilian she had all this charisma and personality and i never would have dated her if it wasn't for this damn service you know helping me get over myself i was like i like this girl i want this to continue further and so i started making conversation it's like what do you do for a living she said she's a curved model it's a curve model i love how women can call themselves curvy men can't do that you know i'm kirby you're just a fat bastard okay you can't be curvy as a guy she's curvy so i had a few plans set up just in case the date was going well i had you know round two step two on the date and i told her i never did this before on a date but i was recommended that we go to a male strip show fifty shades of men you could look it up right yeah they were in town touring right and so i go and we show up to this place she's all for us she's like i love this idea we get there and my plan immediately backfires because i've been to strip shows where there's women on stage men in the audience and the men are generally well behaved i went to a mail strip shop women in the audience you act like [ __ ] savages [Music] completely unacceptable and there are 700 women in this theater that used to be a church and they walk in and there's a dude on stage it's a tall black dude his name is shadow and yeah shout his name is and all these women are screaming with that yell you know the yelp only the yell that you hear when there's a naked man on stage and it's a yell that seems to have evolved through thousands of generations so that when other women hear the yell they descend from the forest to see what's happening like yeah it's terrifying i looked on stage i'm like what the [ __ ] is happening and then you know all i see is this dude just just bouncing up and down with his dick out just bouncing like when you hit pause on super mario brothers this is all he's doing and he digs out and he's naked and he's good looking so they're like dude [Applause] so she's like let's go to the front she grabs me and i'm following behind her like a little kid and she's a plus size girl so she's just knocking [ __ ] out the way and [ __ ] and then what happens is they to make their money the guys gotta give the lap dances so they sound a horn and then 15 dudes just come down start giving lap dances including shadow they all look like marvel superhero characters and [ __ ] i'm feeling all insecure stacy is her name she goes to the vip section there's a rope there she didn't give her she just walks over it to sit down and it's just chaos so the bouncers can't do anything and [ __ ] and so she's like come on so i jump over there and she's like i want shadow i was like you want me to get him she's like yeah and he's mid last dance so i have to like walk up to this guy and he's trying to do his jock strap ass hanging out i was like hi uh mr shadow hi big fan of your work uh when you're done the girl up with she watched lap dance too and he's like that'll be three dollars i was like three dude here's ten get your life together come on shadow let's go come on shadow i drag shadow over to stacy starts dancing in front of her right and then he picks her up she's like a 200 pounds picks her up like this and he just starts going in between her legs and she's hilarious mind you so she grabs his hat and then she says save a horse ride a negro and i'm like i'm in tears i don't know what to do so i'm just standing there filming like a proud parent you know oh that's my girl go stacy have fun so i'm like if i don't get her out of here i'm pretty sure she's gonna shadow so drag her out of the place and we get back to her apartment and it's on where it's about to happen but she doesn't have a bed she just moved in she's got an ikea bed that's half put together so while she's in the bathroom i thought i'm gonna put her back together she's i wait till this water goes on right so i'm like i'm trying to look at the directions what's that key at that point you know left with a bunch of screws and chuck them under there put the mattress down she doesn't even notice she comes out oh beautiful red roll matching red bra panties red high heels caramel skin brown hair blonde highlights she's in the dirty talk i'm not she's like you ready to do this yeah you ever been with a big girl you know what everything feels like a titty stomach titty hat straight half [Music] [Music] so we start to go for it she had a strapless bra my favorite so i go behind her undo that clasp and the bra hit went hit her cat titties came out like air bags big ass nipples the size of compact discs not cds compacted we start doing that [ __ ] against the wall i'm bringing my medium dick not every black guy lives up to that stereotype and i'm hitting that [ __ ] and she says harder so i put on my nikes for more track shots that's what good sex looks like she hasn't come yet so i thought what would shadow do i turn her around i squat down i grab her by the legs i pick her up and i put that [ __ ] right back down let's just let her get on top instead because when women get on top that's when they come only problem is they don't give a [ __ ] about the guy anymore the man just becomes a human meat sled for her to ride she doesn't give a [ __ ] about your feelings or your emotions or how your day went for that bitcoin dropped 50 in value she doesn't give a [ __ ] she's she's in a different world she's even surprised to see a human down there like she's riding you know she's like what the [ __ ] are you doing here just get a pillow put it right in your face you shut up that's my time who runs the world i do you you don't care about us at all and then you start flipping your hair around and do you think that's sexy because from the bottom it's terrifying it's real scary you don't know what you look like like your hair starts flipping around and you're just like it covers your face and you think that's sexy you ever seen that movie the ring okay you remember that you're just you this is you on topic she hasn't come yet and i thought all right i'll go down on her i don't really know what i'm doing though you know every vagina is different you know women you don't give us any help at all you just open up your legs you're like let's see what you got buddy and he's down there trying his hardest and you're just up there like [Laughter] can't wait to tell karen about this one i'll just go down on her the thing is you go down a woman i sort of know what i'm doing but when they're about to come she was you only have a few seconds to get out of there when it happens so you feel the trembling beneath and she was there vibrating like a roller coaster or like a laundry machine on the spin cycle and i knew it was coming but i couldn't leave because i wanted her because if you leave too early you might lose it then you have to start all over again you'll be there for seven years so you gotta stay and i stayed knowing that i was putting my life in danger and she came and she clamped down like a bear trap everything went dark and i'm tapping like a mixed martial artist she doesn't watch sports so she doesn't know what that means and she opens up her legs and like ejects me like a cassette tape [Laughter] and i came to like tom hanks is saving private ryan when he's on the beach and she says it's your turn she's like you're gonna come in three minutes i was like no one's ever given me a deadline before she's on top twerking and going crazy and [ __ ] and then it happened just her bed broke we have a great show for you guys are you guys ready for your feature performer make some noise let's hear ...
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